Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

• #10 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
• #9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
• #8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
• #7 Mom will love this.
• #6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
• #5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
• #4 Will you model this for me???
• #3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
• #2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
• #1 Does this come in children's sizes?

10 Reasons Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys

• 10) More fun to complain about them to your friends.
• 9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
• 8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
• 7) You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.
• 6) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
• 5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.
• 4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.
• 3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
• 2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.
• 1) Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.

Top Ten Rejected Ways to Die in the New Halloween Movie

• 10. Old age.
• 9. Really, really, really big paper cut.
• 8. Pop rocks and soda.
• 7. Head explodes while trying to figure out why a movie called "Halloween" is coming out the first week of August -- am I right, people?
• 6. Beaten to death with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer."
• 5. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.
• 4. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers.
• 3. Running with scissors.
• 2. Heart attack after being surprised by wife Hillary in oval office.
• 1. Laughing to death at joke on The Late Show.

Top Ten Words You're Most Likely to Hear in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony

• 10. "McLovin"
• 9. "Thingie"
• 8. "Clintern"
• 7. "Disappointing"
• 6. "Menage-a-Reno"
• 5. "Cool"
• 4. "Ranch"
• 3. "Doritos"
• 2. "Hillary" (Oh, sorry, that's a word you're least likely to hear)
• 1. "Shhhhhhhh"

Top Ten Little-Used Euphemisms For Sex

• 10. Sinking the Titanic
• 9. Team pushups
• 8. Winning Powerball
• 7. "You've got male"
• 6. Saving Ryan's privates
• 5. Puffing the daddy
• 4. Giving the one-gun salute
• 3. Penning your Teller
• 2. WWW-ing until you dot com
• 1. Engaging in sexual intercourse

Top Ten Clinton Nicknames or Ben and Jerry Flavors

• 10. Slick Willie
• 9. Chunky Monkey
• 8. Double Nut Joy
• 7. Subpoenas 'n' Cream
• 6. Impeach-Mint
• 5. Candy Pants
• 4. Chocolate Chip Doughboy
• 3. Chilly Hillbilly
• 2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
• 1. Vanilla

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Morning Show

• 10. The weatherman is skinny.
• 9. News staff consists of people fired for lying at CNN.
• 8. A lot more talk about Satan than you'd expect on a typical morning show.
• 7. First guest: Alan Thicke. Second guest: Alan Thicke in a fake beard.
• 6. Host keeps thanking his co-hosts Jim Beam and Johnnie Walker.
• 5. Outside the studio window is the exercise yard at a local prison.
• 4. Every cooking demonstration ends with a four alarm grease fire.
• 3. Correspondents file reports about how sleepy they are.
• 2. Weatherman refers to the sun as "that big hot yellow ball thingy."
• 1. It's called "Wake Up, Newark!"

Top Ten Fun Things To Yell Before Diving

• 10. "I like pickles!"
• 9. "Merlin Olsen!"
• 8. "I could recommend some excellent mutual funds!"
• 7. "Mmm, chlorine!"
• 6. "I stuffed my Speedo!"
• 5. "Lewinksy, Viagra, Lewinsky, Viagra, Lewinsky!"
• 4. "All this and Andy Rooney, tonight on '60 Minutes'!"
• 3. "Hasselhoff!"
• 2. "Holy crap!"
• 1. "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"