1. A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the bartender picks them
both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the
sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says
"DiMaggio?".
2. A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.
The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."
The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"
After looking at the hamburger for
another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't
serve food in here."
3. For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue
turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time
you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head!"
4. A old lady was lying on her death bed and her husband was sitting by her side when the wife turned to her husband and said, "I have to tell you something. In my underwear drawer is a black box. Look in it and come back to me and tell me what you see. So the husband went home and looked in the box and found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs.
The next day the husband went back to his wife and said he had found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs, and then he asked what the money and eggs where for. The wife replied, "Each time we made love and I was disappointed I put 1 egg in the box."
The husband smiled because there
were so few eggs in the box, but his wife quickly noticed the
smile out of the corner of her eye and said, "Every time I
collected 1 dozen eggs I would sell them in the market and put
the money in the black box."
5. One dark night outside a small
town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long
it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments
from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the
chemical company president approached the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center
of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the
engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he
ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the
company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring
out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren
was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local
volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To
everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the
chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old
timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with
an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting
the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced
that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to
personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of
the old men individually the president asked the group what they
intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver
looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're
going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
6. A man trying to understand the
nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million
years to you?"
God answered: " A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to
you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a
penny?" And God said, "In a minute."
7. A pollster was taking opinions
outside the United Nations building in New York City. He
approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a
Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked,
"Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the
current meat shortage?"
The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"
The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"
The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an
opinion?"
The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is
'excuse me?'"
8. A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."
"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm a frayed
knot."
9. A old man was walking through the park in tears, when a lady saw him and decided to see if she could offer him some help. So the lady walked up to the man and asked him, "Do you have any family?"
The man immediately replied, "Oh yes!, I have a most beautiful wife who is cooking me an elegant dinner as we speak, three wonderful children who are all on the honor roll, and a lovely house."
Confused, the lady wondered how a man whose life appeared so wonderful could be walking through the park so sad. So she asked the old man, "If you have a beautiful wife, three wonderful kids, and a lovely home, why are you so sad?"
The old man replied, "Because
I can't find my way home..."
10. An indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."
So the indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.
The next day she walks into the
store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found
a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says,
"Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John
Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no
crap from indians."
11. There were three men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other "You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back."
So the other man says, "No way that's ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible." The first replies, "Come on, I'll show is to you then." So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man says "Here I'll show you how it works."
So he climbs up on the edge and
jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just
bounce back up astounding the second man. The second man says
"Hey man, do that again! I can't believe it..." So the
first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again.
After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after
all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off. After
a few moments, the second man doesn't return, so the first man
walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink. The
bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the
first man and says, "Superman, you're so damn cruel when
you're drunk!"