Blonde Jokes

How do you measure a blonde's IQ?
With a tire gauge!
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.
Why do blondes wear ponytails?
So people won't see the valve on their head.
Two blondes were walking around when they saw some tracks. One blonde says,
"They're moose tracks."
The other blonde says,"No, they're deer tracks."
"No, they're moose tracks!"
"Deer tracks!"
They kept arguing until the train ran them over.
A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, Santa Claus, and the Easter bunny were walking along when they saw $100. Who got the money?
The dumb blonde because the other three don't exist.
(See joke 168 for a slightly different punch line)
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
How can you tell blondes are so bias?
They keep going, "Buy us this," "Buy us that."
What's the difference between the following two sounds: A punctured balloon and a blonde with a hole in her head?
None.
What sound does a blonde going through a flashing red light make?
Screech. Vrrmmm. Screech. Vrmmm.
Why did the blonde dye her hair red?
Instant intelligence!
Why don't blondes like the S.A.T.?
It's too difficult to spell.
Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
So they remember 'Toe Goes in First'
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get all that water in the little package.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of Orange Juice?
It said 'concentrate'
What's the first things blondes do in the morning?
They go home!
What's a blonde's favorite saying?
'I don't know'
Why do blonde's wear shoulder pads?
To protect their head when saying 'I don't know' (This joke requires that special visual element)
What do you call a brunette and two blondes standing on a corner?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks
What do a blonde reading a book and people in a silent movie have in common?
Their lips are moving but no sound is coming out!
Did you hear about the blonde who went hot air ballooning?
She stepped to close to the campfire! (C'mon, think about it...)
What do blondes and McDonald's have in common?
Over five billion served!
Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
Did you hear about the blonde who was blind for ten years?
It was really sad. One morning she just forgot to open her eyes.
What do a blonde and a burnt out light bulb have in common?
One's just as bright as the other!
Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?
Because it had expired!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?
You tell her a joke on Thursday!
What do you get when you cross a blonde with a brunette?
Artificial Intelligence!!!
How do you tell the difference between a smart blonde and a dumb blonde?
Wait a minute: I forgot. (This note only works if a blonde tells it)
How does a horny guy spell relief?
B-L-O-N-D-E!!!
Do you hear about the blonde who woke up next to a guy in a baseball cap?
She looked around bewildered and asked, "Where's the rest of the team?"
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
What does a blonde wear around her neck to attract men?
Her ankles.
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her boyfriend's car?
She burned her mouth.
Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More head-room.
How can you tell if a blonde has just been using a computer?
There's white-out on the screen!
What's the first thing a blonde/sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself and walk home!
How do you get a blonde to be quiet?
Just say to her: "A penny for your thoughts."
Why'd the blonde faint?
She forgot to breathe.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that she had a twin sister?
She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror.
Why don't blondes like audio-books?
There aren't any pictures.
Why don't blondes like to be wined and dined?
They don't like to listen to other people's problems.
What do members of a good basketball team playing a bad basketball team have in common with a roomful of men and a blonde?
Everybody scores!!!
Why didn't the blonde go in the building?
She heard it was four stories and she didn't like to read.
What's a blonde's mating call?
'I'm so drunk.'
How many blondes does it take to make a smart blonde?
It can't be done!
How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
Blow in her ear, if she's a real blonde she starts to float!
How do you keep a blonde entertained indefinitely?
Give her a 'Where's Waldo' book...
What's the first thing a blonde does when you pick her up for a date?
She heads for the backseat of your car!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!!!
Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren't admitted!!!
A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she's beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy. One she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and after a few seconds a guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her.
The lovely blonde says emphatically, "But I'm not just beautiful! I'm smart too!!"
"Yeah, yeah. I believe you," says the young stud. "Now let's go."
Again she protests. "No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states."
The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her.
She follows him. "Really, go ahead ask me a state. I'll give you its capitol and show you how smart I am."
Just to get rid of her, the guy says, "Fine. What's the capital of New Mexico?"
The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. "New Mexico has two capitals: 'N' and 'M'."
Why didn't the blonde go to the movies on buck night?
Because she couldn't fit the deer into her car!
What's a brunette that smells bad?
A blonde upside down.
How do you make a blonde confused?
Hand her a bag of M&Ms and ask her to alphabetize them.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting around trying to figure out what sex their babies will be.
The redhead says, "I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that you'll have a girl."
The brunette said, "I always have sex on top so I must be going to have a boy."
The blonde pondered this a minute then began sobbing. "Oh no! I'm going to have puppies!"
Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who's the father of their babies.
The brunette says "My baby's either Steve's or Jim's."
The redhead says "Mine's either John's or Bob's."
The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice "I wonder if it's mine."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said, "My boyfriend's like 7-Up. He's seven inches long and he's always up."
The brunette said, "My boyfriend's like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time."
The blonde said, "My boyfriend's like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in, "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blonde's face. "I know."
What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery?
Easy money!!!
What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone's been in a limo!
What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm drunk! Someone take me home!
What's the difference between a turtle on its back and a blonde on her's?
Nothing. They're both screwed.
Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can understand them!!!
How do blondes spell 'farm?'
E-I-E-I-O!!!!
How do you drown a blonde?
Either put a mirror or a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a swimming pool!
Do you know the brunette's mating call?
Has the damned blonde left yet???
How many brunettes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be really, really small to fit in a light bulb.
A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Empire State building. Who lands first?
The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Why do blondes like Christmas?
It's the only time they can get gifts without having to lay on their backs!
Why did the blonde become a Muslim?
She thought: "What the hell? I'm on my knees all the time anyway."
Did you hear about the blonde whose navel was surrounded by ugly bruises?
Her boyfriend was blonde, too.
How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
How does a blonde part their hair?
Open her legs

or
By doing the splits
What do Darren Millane (Collingwood football player killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
Put either of 'em in a car and they're screwed.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat under a buck!
Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles!

or
To put their feet through.
Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Because red means, 'Stop! Wrong hole.'
How can yo tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on your cucumbers!
Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good anklewarmers!
What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

or
Remove their pantyhose
Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini-skirts?
Because their testicles show!
Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
So the crabs can go bungee jumping.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.
What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

or
Both have a cockpit.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

or
If a computer goes down on you it's a bad thing.
How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.
How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
Why aren't blondes good cattle-herders/cowboys?
They can't even keep their own two calves together!
What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash your vegetables!
When does a brunette have half a brain?
After a dye job.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just dyed her hair.

or
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
What was the blonde psychic's gretest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme!
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear!
How do you get a blonde's eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears!
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes to long too retrain them!
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out!
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads!
How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads!
Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages!
Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar!
Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper!

or
They can't find the pull tab!
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop!
What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
(Screaming) I said: I'm drunk!
How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the zamboni machine.
What's a brunette's mating call?
When is that blonde bitch going to leave?

or
All the blondes have gone home!
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
Why do blondes like the GST (Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)?
Because they can spell it.
What is 74 to a blonde?
69 plus GST!
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter!
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block!
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

or
Buy her another beer.
What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work!
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself!
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Fertilized!
How does a blonde like her eggs?
Unfertilized!
Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room!
What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Bucket seats!
What do blondes say after sex?
"Thanks, guys!"

or
"Are you boys all in the same band?"

or
"Do you guys all play for the [insert team name here]?"

or
"Who were all those guys?"
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Everybody gets a turn!
Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country!
What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
Who cares?
Why do blondes have orgasms?
So then know when to stop having sex.
How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!

or
Who cares?

or
She says, "Next!"

or
The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.

or
He's had his clothes for about two minutes.

or
I mean, who really cares?

or
The batteries have run out.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer.
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress when reading her nametag?
"Debbie...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don't know any better.

or
They are easier to keep amused.

or
Because they are easier to find in the dark.
What's a blonde's favorite wine?
"Daddy! I want to go to Miami!"
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.
What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
"Gee, are you sure it's mine?"
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
(See Joke 6 for a slightly different punchline)
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
Her IQ goes up!
What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a blonde?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
What's the difference between a toothbrush and a blonde?
You don't let your best friend use your toothbrush.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.
A state trooper pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding. While he is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license is. ("You know, that little card in your wallet that has that picture of you on it?") he has come to the decision that she is a pretty hot babe. Finally, after she gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper with you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment." Excited "Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is tearing throught the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his 'member' out. Excited that she had found her registration, sh e turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no!!! Not another breathalizer test!"
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball!

or
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke!

or
You don't eat your bowling ball!
What do a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in up in the gutter!
What is the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
They know how many men went down on the Titanic!
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted!
What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs $.30 to use a telephone!
What's the difference between a blonde and and a guy?
The blonde guy has a higher sperm count!
What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
What do blondes and cow-patties have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age!
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the loser it gets!
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck out!
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them!
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read!
What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
They both have black roots!
What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet Fuck All...
How do you drown a blonde?
Don't tell her to swallow.
Boyfriend: "Why do you never scream my name when you come?"
Blonde: "Because you're never there when it happens."
Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

or
Three. One to make batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

or
Two. One to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
What's the blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N..., ah, oh, well... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea, yea, yea..."
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor.
Why do blondes find it difficult to get married?
Because men don't have to marry them for sex.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?
Because it says on the package "Good for up to 20lbs."
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
By throwing it off of a cliff.
How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
By drowning it.
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box it said 'From 2-4 Years.'
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
Nice tits!
How does a blonde high-five?
She smacks herself in the forehead!
How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Why do blondes have legs?
So they don't get stuck to the ground.

or
To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

or
So they don't leave trails, like snails.
Why did the blonde go halfway to Norway and then turn around and come home?
It took her that long to discover that a 14" Viking was a television.
What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
The blonde.

or
The other guys waiting for their turn.
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
They always forget what comes after the 9 in 911.
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz?'
"No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted flakes. (I don't get this one either)
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.
What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist!
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh, look!" "Donut seeds!"
Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

or
So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
Why don't blondes breast feed?
Because they always burn their nipples.
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.
What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
Air Supply
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.
Why do blonde's drive VWs?
Because they can't spell Porsche
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night.
Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A branch manager.
How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

or
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them.

or
Because blondes are so shallow a long joke wouldn't fit.

or
So men can understand them.
Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children.
What do call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

or
A labrador.

or
An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Why do blondes have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
She realized she gave her last blow-job.
What did the blonde do when she got her first period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.
Why did they call the blonde 'twinkie?'
She like to be filled with cream.
What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Why are blondes like corn flakes?
Because they're simple, easy, and they taste good.
How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.
Do you know why the blonde tried to steal a police car?
She saw '911' and thought that it was a Porsche.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
One's a bunch of cunning runts and the other's...not.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez and Panama Canals?
One's a busy ditch.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-dooo," while a blonde says, "Any cock'll doooo."
What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?
The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after six months.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nymphomaniac says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her that she's pregnant.
What will she ask you when you tell her that she's pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An air bag.
Why are there lip stick stains on the sterring wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn.
What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off...
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Did you hear about the blonde couple that was found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
They went to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead.
How can you tell who is the blonde's boyfriend?
He's the one with belt buckle that matches the impression her forehead.
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say 'No.'
What did you name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
Retardo.
Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."
Blonde: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet
A guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!"
A blonde walks into a bar. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!..."
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.
How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air.
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.
What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom/kitchen!?

or
I don't know.

or
Neither did she.
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.
On a trip a blonde drives past a sign reading "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Did you hear about the suicide blonde?
She dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house is on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves."
Did you hear about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she wa s too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as s he swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"
A blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can have sex with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde #1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde #2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"

or
"Good thing that cows don't fly."
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but St. Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said St. Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" asked St. Peter.
Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun -- they just don't remember who with.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, "You know, it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
or another version
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a b oat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served -- just today"
How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day?
She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
An air bag.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
(see joke 627 for a similar punchline)
What is foreplay for a blonde?
Thirty minutes of begging.
What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.

or
Only one person can use the phone at once.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
It's OK daddy. I'm not hurt.
Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
Becasue she threw out all the W's.
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them shi**ing in the streets during parades.
How do you get a one
armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb!
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.
What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
One's a phony buck.
What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her butt when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.
What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-O?
Jell-O wiggles when you eat it.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

or
Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods.
What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
Her feet!
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
How do you describe the perfect blonde?
4 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.
How do you paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
Marry her. (see joke #355 also)
Did you hear about the blonde that died drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
Lipstick.
Why does a blonde insist on a having a guy wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Why do men like blonde jokes??
Because they can understand them.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
(Asking a blonde) Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
(Blonde answering: puts finger on chin) I don't know. (Hits forehead) Oh I get it!
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.
But why do brunettes take the pill ?
Wishful Thinking.
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.

or
She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath.
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their pants.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles.

or
an air pocket.
What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner?
f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A waste.
What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress.
What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A divorcee.
What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.
A guy's in bed with a blonde and asks her, "Do you smoke after sex?" She replies, "I don't know; I never looked."
What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
Two brunettes.
What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
They both got screwed by 10 men whilst on holiday.
What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
He knows who the ten men were.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.
Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
Because she loved children.
If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.
What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third Grade.
What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're screwed.
How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

or
Putting the car in park.
Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the rose window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Did you hear about the blonde who:
1) had more on her body than on her mind?
2) was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3) took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4) got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5) was an M.D.: Mentally Deficient?
6) had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
7) thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
8) was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
9) after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
10) went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
11) brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
12) thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
13) thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
14) thought that intercourse was a state highway.
Blondes...They take a lickin', and keep on...Lickin!
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a car wash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, " who ripped off my car phone!"
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he final ly agrees. A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for t he tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "Th e kind for under his arms."
Another blonde in the porno shop: She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes h is manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
Blonde Medical Terminology:

Anally: occurring yearly
Artery: study of paintings
Bacteria: back door of cafeteria
Barium: what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign: what you be after you be eight
Bowel: letter like A.E.I.O.U
Cesarean section: district in Rome
Cat scan: searching for kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Colic: sheep dog
Coma: a punctuation mark
Congenital: friendly
D&C: where Washington is
Diarrhea: journal of daily events
Dilate: to live long
Enema: not a friend
Fester: quicker
Fibula: a small lie
Genital: non-Jewish
G.I. Series: soldiers' ball game
Grippe: suitcase
Hangnail: coathook
Impotent: distinguished, well known
Intense pain: torture in a teepee
Labor pain: got hurt at work
Medical staff: doctor's cane
Morbid: higher offer
Nitrate: cheaper than day rate
Node: was aware of
Outpatient: person who had fainted
Pap smear: fatherhood test
Pelvis: cousin of Elvis
Post operative: letter carrier
Protein: favoring young people
Rectum: damn near killed 'em
Recovery room: place to do upholstery
Rheumatic: amorous
Scar: rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion: hiding anything
Seizure: Roman emperor
Serology: study of knighthood
Tablet: small tablet
Terminal illness: sickness at airport
Tibia: country in North Africa
Tumor: an extra pair
Urine: opposite of you're out
Varicose: located nearby
Vein: conceited
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.
Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
To keep her ankles warm.

or
To keep her neck warm
How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
Way to go team!
How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
By the chipped tooth.
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To keep from bruising their ears.
Why does a blondes bra say T.G.I.F?
Tits go in first.
Why do blondes have vaginas?
So guys will talk to them at parties.
What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
Rebel without a clue.
What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
Full.
Imitation of a blonde refueling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Why don't blonds breastfeed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.
What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
"Thanks, guys..."
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air pockets.
Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.
What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
"Space. The final frontier......"
How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
Just One... Boomer Esiason. (circa 1991)
What's brown and red and black and blue?
A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.
How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.
Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn't know what ONE came first...
Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

or
Their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full.
What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
Divorced.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?&qu ot;
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick'em, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
What do you call a bunch of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!
Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
She wasn't used to the front seat!
(Visual Joke)
What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
"How do you shift this thing?" (said while making jacking off motions)
What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.
Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.
How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.
What's the difference between a lesbian finger-f**king a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinkin.
Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.
Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!
What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
```
STATE OF OHIO
                         DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
                            451 HIGH STREET
George Voinovich          COLUMBUS, OH 43210    Ralph G. Pacheco
    Governor                              Director
FAX (614) 445-xxxx    Phone (614) 445-xxxx 
 

                           BULLETIN NO. 91 
```
DATE: January 7, 1992
TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents
FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dim mer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion. Included in the above act and begi nning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the veh icle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date. It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the in terest of public safety. Ohio DMV Act 92 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nighttime Highway Traffic Accid ents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nighttime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel ........
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord
nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
She sneezes.
What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov?
"Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!
What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
Nail polish!
What's the fastest way to get a blonde pregnant?
Take her to the petting zoo.
How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house
What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.
What did the blonde's dentist find?
Teeth in the cavity.
What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
She's trying to hold on to a thought.
What does a car fatality and a blonde have in common?
Put either in a car and they're fucked.
What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A padded dash.
Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens?
They couldn't find their eraser.
What is the most difficult thing to teach a blonde?
To count to twenty-eight. (Cycle of a period).
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why did the blonde cross the road?
She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking!
Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
A blonde working in a office is constantly being kidded about how dumb she is; so one evening she goes home and studies a map of the United States. The next day she goes into the office and announces that she knows all 50 states and their capitals. O ne of her office mates says, "OK, what's the capitol of Wyoming?" and the blonde replies, "W."
How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last night gave you a good blow-job?
The sheets are sucked up your ass.
Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List.
Blonde Inventions:
...wind-powered fan
...battery-powered battery recharger
...Perpetual machine-needs power plug!
...Wind-powered air-conditioner
...Refrigerator for Eskimoes
...Steam bath that works only in the middle of the Sahara
...Electrically powered dynamo [Look at the extension cord she brought attached to her bicycle wheel...QED]
...ejection seat for helicopter pilots
...solar powered flashlight
...water-proof hair dryer: saves time in the shower.
What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"
Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.
Why do blondes prefer electric lawnmowers?
So they can find their way back to the house!
How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
Come.
How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.
How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
How do you know a blond likes you?
She has sex with you two nights in a row.
How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still sticky.
Why is a blonde like Australia?
They're both down under, and no one cares.
Did you hear about the blonde that liked the number 77?
She likes to be 8 (ate) more.
Why don't blondes like anal sex?
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.
Why aren't blondes good at water-skiing?
When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
Why are blondes like pianos? When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
Who cares?
Why can't blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
They spread for the bread.
What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A foursome.
What do you give the blonde that has everything?
Penicillin
What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.
Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.
What do blonde virgins eat?
Baby food.
What is blonde and green and jumps from bed to bed?
A prostitoad.
What is 68 to a blonde?
When she goes down on you and you owe her one.
Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
She wanted to go on a round trip.
Why did the blonde with a big vagina douche with crest?
She heard that it reduces cavities.
Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 days?
The recipe said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
You can also sit upright in a car.
What's the definition of a metallurgist?
A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.
What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
Vaseline and Poli-Grip.
What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead animal (fill in type) /brunette/etc. in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the animal/brunette.
What is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
Prostitutes don't drive Ferraris.
What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
Elvis has been sighted.
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.
What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A blonde will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

or
A brick doesn't follow you around after it's been laid.
What is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.
What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.
What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?
"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."
What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.
What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
"Thanks for the refill."
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
What can save a dying blonde?
Hair transplants.
What did the blonde say when she woke up under a cow?
What are you guys still doing here?
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
What did the blonde think of her new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming?
She stopped sucking.
What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room?
I'm not going to suck anything *that* small.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
What did the blonde say during a porno?
"There I am!"
How can you tell when a blonde is horny?
Stick your hand down her panties. If it feels like a horse eating oats, she's horny.
What's the ultimate embarassment for a blonde?
When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.
What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm?
She loves having her picture taken (flashes, get it?).
How does the blonde car pool work?
They all meet at work at 7:45.
What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.
Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do anything for a fur coat?
Well, now she can't button it (prego).
Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?
She thought her period was French Provincial.
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an AM radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend say that he loved her?
She believed him.
Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
It's called MAIDS -- if the don't get one, they die.
Did you hear about the blonde with a Masters degree in Psychology?
She'll blow your mind, too.
Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye?
Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.
Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
She screams her own name when she comes.
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Did you hear about the blonde who had an appendix operation?
Well, now she is making money on the side.
Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water?
She won't go down on the doc.
Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.
Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck?
The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Did you hear about the blonde doctor?
She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.
Did you hear about the blonde that ate mountain oysters?
She was dragged 200 yards.
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 Leagues Under the sea?
She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
They take off their makeup.
Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach?
She's afraid to get sand in her Busch.
Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
To keep their legs together.
Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
Her employer found out she was embezzling.
What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?
He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.
What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A shower has to be turned on to get wet.
Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Practice.
Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.
What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
They both go down easy.
What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
They're both stuck up c*nts.
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde is such an air head.
What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
Ice cream cones don't lick back.
What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner?
4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks!
What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Bobbing for Bimbos.
What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back.
Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Why does telling a blonde to alphebetize M&Ms confuse her?
"Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
What is the blonde's favorite battery?
Ever-ready.
What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, ....?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
Why did the blonde finally pass her driver's test?
She took the examiner with her.
Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
Who cares?
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray.
What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
Pick them up off the floor and put them on.
What is the definition of "fu** off"?
The final round of an all blonde beauty contest.
What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
Clitty litter.
What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
What is a blonde's only complaint about oral sex?
The lousy view.
Why is a blonde similar to an ironing board?
I could never close the legs of an ironing board either.
(see joke 330 for a simliar punchline)
How does a blonde prepare for safe sex?
She puts on rubber based lipstick.
There was a blonde and a brunette who were about to commit suicide. They both jumped off of a tall building and, a couple of seconds later, the brunette hit the pavement, but not the blonde. What happened to her?
She got lost.
A guy asked his blonde wife, "How did you get the car into the living room?"
"I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
Someone asked a blonde if she believed in smoking.
"Yes, I've seen it done."
Two blondes are in a dark theatre:
Blonde #1: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!"
Blonde #2: "Just ignore him."
Blonde #1: "I can't. He's using my hand."
A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?"
"No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"
Blonde #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blonde #2: "No, who wrote it?"
Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh?
Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?
Did you hear about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Blonde #1: "It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
Blonde #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?"
Blonde #1: "Snuff."
Blonde: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man: "It's 3:15."
Blonde: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that same question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Male Secretary: "Feel free to use my dictaphone."
New Blonde Employee: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else.
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your penis?"
A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?"
"Just heating up dinner," she replies.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde asked, "Would you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me."
"Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch."
A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "Do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp the said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."
A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate.
A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, th e boy says, "What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods.
"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
"I want a weigh," she says.
Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune.
After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
"Damn," thinks the boy, "She's just too weird for me." They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
"Wousy," says the girl.
Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash?
How is a blonde like a Hairdryer?
Turn her on and she starts to blow.
How is a blonde like a Vaccum Cleaner?
Turn her on and she starts to suck.
How is a blonde like a Light Switch?
Even a six year old can turn her on.
"How come that blonde girl got expelled from school?"
"She was caught cheating."
"How?"
"She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!"
Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times. The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework.
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" < br> True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!"
However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?"
"Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "However, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!"
The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG." And alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG." And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his member, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BIT E! BANG BANG BANG!" As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guy's member off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, "Now would anyone else like to try this?"
A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, one to get the bulb, one to get a chair,and one to get a man.

or
One to screw it in and then the world revolves around her.

or
"What's a lightbulb?"

or
"What was the question again?"

or
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"

or
One, but it's a pretty dim bulb.

or
None. Blondes screw in corvettes, not in lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde stop having kids after three?
She read that 1 out of every 4 are Chinese.
Why was the blonde saving burnt out lightbulbs?
For the darkroom she was building.
Why didn't the blonde change her tire?
It was only flat on one side.
Why are blondes so happy?
Ignorance is bliss.
What has an IQ of 7?
8 blondes.
What the difference between a blonde and a dog whining on a porch?
The dog stops whining when you let it in.
A guy and his blonde date go to dinner. The waiter comes up to the man and asks him what type of meat he would like for dinner. He decides on beef roast. Then the waiter asks, "And how about your vegetable?"
"I don't know," he replied. "You'll have to ask her."
What's similar about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and a smart blonde?
None of them exist.
What's the difference between a blonde and the mumps?
Not everyone's had the mumps.
What's the difference between a blonde and a government bond?
The bond matures eventually.
What's a blonde doing when she's gasping for air?
Collecting her thoughts.
Why does Captain Kirk prefer blondes?
Space...the final frontier...
Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?
Once when you tell it, one when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To help blondes learn to walk upright.
Why do blondes have trouble getting driver's licenses?
Every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.
What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a four way stop.
Did you hear about the new paint by Gidden that is coming out?
It's called "Blonde" and the motto is "It's not to bright and it's easy to spread.
Did you hear about the abortion clinic that offers discounts to blondes?
It has a one year waiting list! (It's a witty double joke! HAH!!!)
Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum?
She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
What did the blonde yell during the emergency?
What's the number for 911?
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a blonde?
A 3 1/2 ton pickup.
Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time?
She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
Why did the blonde return her TV set?
She couldn't get the English Channel.
Did you hear about the company that's hiring blondes?
It's trying to lower its overhead.
A blonde with multiple problems goes in to see her doctor. "Doctor," she says, "It hurts when I touch my forehead. It hurts when I touch my nose. It hurts when I touch my elbow. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor asks, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Yes," she replies proudly.
"Ah, then your finger is broken!"
One day a blonde walked into a hair salon wearing a set of headphones. "I'd like a hair cut," she told one of the stylists. The blonde sat down, picked up a it magazine, but did not remove her headphones. The stylist cut her hair anyway, wo rking around the headphones. The stylist thought that this was rather odd, but didn't let it stop her. About six weeks later, the same blonde comes in with headphones again and asks the same stylist to cut her hair again. "All right," the stylis t thinks to herself, "this time she'll take off the headphones at least." However, once again the blonde sat in the stylist's chair, picked up a magazine (looking at the pictures obviously), and did not remove her headphones. This really began t o bug the stylist. "What can she possibly be listening to that's so good?" she thought. After finishing cutting her hair the stylist thinks to herself, "If she comes in here one more time with those headphones, I'll knock them off 'accident ally' and see what she's listening to." Another six weeks goes by and, sure enough, the same blonde comes in and does the same routine. The stylist had to know what she was listening to. She knocks the headphones off the blonde to see what she is lis tening to. The moment the headphones come off, the blonde falls to the floor, dead. From the headphones came "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out..."
Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes:
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
Do you want to see something swell?
What do you like for breakfast?
Do you want to f*ck or should I apologize?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You smell wet. Lets party!
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew!
You have the ass of a great artist.
Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde:
I just threw up!
You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?
Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good.
Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
Your face or mine?
Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
I want to floss with your pubic hair.
I'd look good on you.
Excuse me. Have I f*cked you yet?
Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.
Blonde Quips in Revenge for Blonde Jokes:
1) The only problem with women is men.
2) Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
3) Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
4) Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
5) Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
6) I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
7) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
8) What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
9) The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
10) Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
11) What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?... A widower.
12) They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
13) What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father.
14) If you catch a man...throw him back.
15) Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
16) What is the useless bit of skin of a penis?...A man.
Blondes: They taste great and don't leave crumbs in your bed.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.
What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in an large empty area?
A vacant lot.
What are the four conditions for the perfect blonde?
4 feet tall, no teeth, a flat head to rest your beer on, and she turns into a pizza after midnight. (see joke #357 for a similar type joke thing)